I've said this a few times today to different people and I've heard the same thing from everyone, that I need to take some time away and relax a bit, just get out and try to recharge a bit. The problem is I'm also torn. I need to be with Mom now, whenever I'm not in the hospital I'm thinking I should be there or I should be getting back or I'm watching the clock to see when I said I'd be back and making sure I'm on time.
It's not just a matter of me not wanting Mom to be alone right now -- I don't want her to be alone, of course -- it's also that if I know there are other people sitting with her, even my uncle Gregory and aunt Zita, I don't want them to feel like they have to stay or that they're waiting for me to come back. I feel a responsibility to Mom's visitors almost as much as I do to her right now. And I feel irresponsible for pretty much every moment I'm not there or the times when I am there and she's asleep and I'm blogging or replying to the little bit of email I respond to these days. I even feel a little guilty about taking time to text Trish with the latest news because it's another minute or so I'm focused on something other than Mom and trying to make her as comfortable and as happy as possible.
But now there's an added complication. I think Mom is getting tired of having me around all the time. Well, probably not just me, but people in general. She sleeps at night (though how much is a question open to discussion since she admits she doesn't really know now and the nurses aren't with her all the time so they don't really know either) but pretty much all day long she has visitors and I think it's wearing her out.
I don't know what to do.
Justin,
ReplyDeleteI just noticed that there is a comment section on this blog thing. I am blog illiterate so it took me a while to learn about this so here is my first comment.
Hang in there, you are an amazing person and what you are doing is God's work. You are strength in every way.
You are strong even when you dont feel that way. Trust me when I say Mom will never be tired of opening her eyes and seeing you there. Maybe too many visitors tires her out like she has said, but NEVER you. You are her life and her heart lifts every time she sets eyes on you. I know this to be true, I see it in her eyes.
She is starting the process of seperation so she can allow herself to pass to the other side. It is natural and normal and I have seen this before. Knowing you, Gregory and Zita are there gives her great comfort and when you call me at her lucid moments to let me speak to her gives her a lift and gives me great joy. Thank you for that.
Please try not to feel guilty when you step out to catch your breath. You need to recharge to keep going BUT remember what I have said to you before. Dont let ANYONE tell you what to do. Follow your heart all the way. If you want to be there then be there. If you want to step out then do so. remember, NO REGRETS... do what you need to do because in the end you have to live with all of your decisions, not anyone else.
I wish so badly that I could be there to take some of this from you and to support you but I support you from here all the way. Remember, any thing you need, any thing I can do even if its only to listen, I will be there for you at any hour of the day.
Moms visitors wouldnt want you to feel resposible for them. They love Mom and are there for her and only want the best for you and her. They are there visiting out of love for Mom and they, from what I have seen when I was there, are wonderful kind giving caring people, every one of them!!! They would do anything for you and Mom so dont worry about them. They care for you both and just want to help and support you both.
You are carrying a great burden of pain on your shoulders right now and remember, I know you are not very religious, but God never gives us more than we can handle. I really believe that. I know you can handle this, you already are... Mom would be so proud of you right now, as am I.
Love, Trish
It is very plain to see how much you love your Mom and how much she loves you. This is very special and sacred. It is understandable how you feel guilt for leaving her, even for a short time. But I echo what Trish has said as sound advice.
ReplyDeleteRemember that as fatigue sets in, it becomes more difficult not to be affected by the least little thing.
You are doing a great job and you should be proud of yourself. This is not easy.
You are all in our prayers,
Love, Julia
Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds like a bland line from a card, but it is true.
Don't forget to breathe.
We are thinking of you too. You are doing a great thing being by her side....as hard as that might seem sometimes. Stay strong!
ReplyDelete