She Hugged Me

That's going to stay with me forever.

It was after I posted yesterday. Janet arrived and was going to sit with her while we went out for dinner (supper in Island-speak, something I spent a long time weeding out of my vocabulary but which I'm seeing creep back in now, having spent two and a half weeks here) and, following the advice of my sister, I leaned over Mom and told her we were going out for a bit, that we'd be back later and that I loved her. The important stuff that I wanted her to hear in case any given goodbye is the last one. I wasn't entirely sure she was even hearing and understanding me at that point, but that's not the point, it's important to say it so she knows it.

Then she opened her eyes, looked right at me and hugged me.

I have no idea how much strength it took for her to do that in her condition but she somehow managed to get one arm completely around me and the other most of the way around my back.

I guess at that point I already knew I was going to spend the night at the hospital, but we went back to scarf down some cold pizza and garlic fingers, leftovers from Friday night, and just puttered around at Brenda and Steve's place for a while then came back to the hospital and spent more time there, fully intending to go back to Castillo McLean that night. I'd even put on my coat and said goodnight to Mom when I basically lost my interest in doing anything except staying with her. The night nurse had said that she'd seen a significant decline in her from Saturday night until last night and I know that played into my decision a lot, but it wasn't the only thing, mostly it was just the way she had hugged me and I wanted to be there with her.

So Christine went, got the nurses to help her set up the cot and I spent the night. Around 9:30pm Trish called and we talked for a while. I held the phone up for Mom so Trish could also say some stuff to her and she opened her eyes, so I'm pretty sure she heard it, then I found the nurse and let them talk for a bit. I only heard a bit of the conversation, but the part I did hear was that she, Cheryl the nurse, thought that by tonight it would be unlikely that Mom would even be able to open her eyes or respond and that once that happened she said they've had patients that have held on for as much as a week but she didn't think that was likely in Mom's case.

I sat up with her until about midnight, by then I was fading out myself so I went over to the cot and rested on top of the sheets for what I think was the next hour. I'm reasonably confident about the numbers because the nurses come in every hour to check on her and I kept waking up thinking someone was in the room but it was usually empty so I think it was them leaving and shutting the door behind them that was waking me up. A little before six in the morning the nurses came in to give Mom a turn and check her medication but I wasn't awake for more than another five minutes before I fell asleep again and the next thing I remember I was looking at my backpack leaning up against the wall. Christine had come in around 6:30 and brought me my bag and a coffee but left it there when she saw me sleeping.

I got up and turned watching Mom over to the day shift. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow at Brenda and Steve's place and when I opened my eyes again it was almost 11:00am. I went through the usual morning ritual, three and a half hours displaced from the usual time, and went back to the hospital to find the room full of visitors. Janet K. was there holding Mom's hand and talking a bit but she turned to me and said that as soon as I started talking Mom started squeezing her hand pretty hard so she must have heard me come in.

The rest of the day has followed mostly the usual pattern. We stayed with Mom, slipped out for lunch, came back then slipped out for dinner then came back again. Gregory and Zita are spending the night with her now and Janet D. is putting together a roster of people to sit with her overnight so I don't have to spend every night there.

As for me, I'm exhausted -- when am I not these days? -- so I'm going to bed, try to sleep and see how I feel in the morning.